I use to think that I was invisible to the world. Especially to you. We never talked, you hung out with the cool kids, and you were the “bad boy”. I wanted to be noticed by you so much. I aimed to catch your attention. But it felt futile. Who would want talk to me? What was I but a small commoner compared to you? You were like a king to me. Standing so tall amongst his followers. You toyed with my heart. I loved you but was told to reject you. Yet years later, my wish came true….you noticed me. I loved the attention, especially since it was from my knight in shining armor. You didn’t ride in on a white horse, but walked in, fighting my demons that I threw at you to convince you to stay away. But you fought with me, conquering every twist and turn that I threw your way. Yet I still felt that you didn’t see me. But you did. All my broken pieces, my struggles and my dreams. I was no longer invisible….or was I….?
I cannot believe it has been three months already! But boy am I glad! You come home in 5.5 months and we get married in 168 days! We’ve been out of contact a lot lately and it’s been hard…I miss talking to you and hearing your voice over calls over FaceTime….I know that it’s temporary but it’s still hard. You asked me to slow down on the care packages and I have to say, it was a little hard to hear you say it….I know that I can be over the top sometimes,but I actually felt like I was being of use more than just making all these plans….
I’m exhausted a lot lately….the nightmares have begun again and I’m not sleeping very well…I think that the stress of work and health is taking its toll too though….at 19 I’m an assistant manager, taking 16 pills a day, and keeping myself emotionally strong….or trying….it gets hard sometimes to do that….I really just want to fall asleep in your arms and never leave again. I cannot wait for you to be home and to be able to live with you without prying eyes and scolding voices when we just want to be alone all night together….hurry home please…
It’s been one month since he left for deployment. My rock, my husband, and my support. We still have a lot of contact, but not like before. I wish he was here to make this pain all go away, to help guide me through life, but most of all, to enjoy being teenagers together. I know it will get easier with time but right now it just seems like these next few months can’t come fast enough….
So yesterday was the last day together for a while. We spent all day on the adventure of our lives. But, no matter how happy I was with yesterday, it was also filled with great sorrow. For the next 10 months we will be separated. Thousands of miles apart and only some communication. And that’s on the army’s terms. No hugs, no good mornings or good nights, no movie binges, no spontaneous adventures. You’ll be 8 hours ahead which means when it’s 0500 for you, it will only be 2100. And when you go to bed at 2100….it makes it difficult to talk….
I adore you, my dear savior, but I fear for your life. I fear for your sanity, I fear for you to come home broken, I fear for you sir….I want to be selfish and keep you from them. To run away with you. Hide away from this world and make a life of our own. I held it together yesterday and shed but one tear….I know I’m your strong girl and that I can do this. But I ask for one thing if you cannot stay with me….please….hurry home to me….I yearn for your presence and touch once again….
About a year ago, I would have told you straight out that I support my older sister and her decisions. Now, I can’t exactly tell you why, because I myself don’t completely know. I just knew that I saw her hurting and wanted to be there for her.
Now, if you asked me right this moment, I don’t think I could tell you that I support her. I’m not sure if i supported her because for once, I felt like I had my older sister around and was afraid to loose that, or if it was honestly because I didn’t want her hurting. I hate how much pain my family has gone through and all of the issues that have come about due to her decisions. I’m afraid I’ll loose my family no matter what choice I make. I know that she is doing what she feels is best fer her family, but did she ever stop to think about what it would do to OUR family? The one she grew up in?
She use to be my role model, and she still is…partly…But now she goes to my mother about everything, bails on me, and ignores my texts, and to top it off, she is now going to be a mother herself and a wife. She won’t have time for sisterly talks for quite a while. I feel like shes abandoned ship and left me to sink and figure out how to save myself. I have a lot of times where I wish she was truly a phone call away, but then she never answers…
I know I should feel hurt, but then again I have no right to be. I guess I should be use to this type of thing after all of those “Friends” who abandoned ship on me too. I’m more of numb to it though. Kind of like a scar that fire gets put against and it’s just like “Oh, is that suppose to hurt?”
I don’t know where my mind is tonight…It’s going between that past and the present…This dark horrible present…
“I can’t tell if I’m breaking…or if my family is…”
I have come so far from where I was a year ago. Yet in certain areas, I haven’t come very far at all. “All I feel is fear. In everything I do”
Fear is very much still a part where I have not grown. I am terrified of things that I know will never and could never happen but yet again, there is always that 1% chance that it could happen. Like my best friend dying in battle, Loosing the one person who has my heart, Finding out I have cancer or am terminally ill, Family members abandoning me, my nightmares coming to life, my stalkers coming back for me….things that most would consider petty, but I consider to be huge…
My family hasn’t always been the closest to each other, yet from the outside, we look perfect. So happy and like we don’t have a care in the world, as if we have everything together. But we don’t. And sometimes I wish others would see that. I use to be so close to my twin, to my brother, and even to my older sister. But now, it just seems as if I am in a coma, and watch my family pass by me. I don’t know what has started this deep sleep, but I don’t like it here. When you’re alone, you begin to think of everything. You’re mind goes into a state of shock and makes up things to try and make up for the lack of stimulation. I feel as if that is where my mind is going. People around me are slipping away again, and I can’t change it. They are moving on with life, taking a different path, and discovering who they are. While I seem to be stuck in this dormant state…I don’t seem to be going anywhere in life, I make no progress within school, and my emotional state varies day to day…
God do I wish that I had a hand to hold and lead me through this life right now. I feel as if I become to dependent upon people and so in trying to fix that habit, I completely cut myself off. It worries my family, but it seems to be the only coping mechanism that I can handle on my own. I can be alone. I don’t mind that….to much…There are times when I do get quite lonely and all I want are his hands wrapped around me and leading me to the light again. I fear as if I have idolized him to much….Will he tire of me? Will he tire of my need to be near him? to be within his arms? Will he turn me away? Will he take away this hand upon which I hold oh so tightly? I fear that ever so much….but pray it is not so…I could us a hand sometimes….most times…but for now, I hold my hands in prayer….
“Pain is an illusion, this is just a bruise, you are just confused but, I am only human….I could use a hand sometimes”